💬 What to Say to Someone Who's Struggling (and What Not To)

Someone you know is going through something. You've drafted three messages and deleted all of them, because everything sounds either hollow or like you're making it about you.

Here's the thing that will make this easier: almost anything said warmly beats saying nothing. The regret people report years later is very rarely "my friend said the wrong thing". It's nearly always "nobody said anything at all."

Now, the specifics.

What not to say

Every one of these is well-meant. That's why they're worth naming.

"Everything happens for a reason." Asks them to find meaning in something painful, on your timetable, for your comfort. Some things don't have a reason.

"At least it's not [worse thing]." Comparison doesn't reduce pain, it adds guilt for feeling it.

"You're so strong, you'll get through this." Sounds like praise. Functions as a job description. Now they have to keep performing strength for you, which is exhausting and prevents them saying it's bad.

"Have you tried exercise / meditation / sleeping more?" They have. Advice implies the problem is that they haven't thought of the solution, which is quietly insulting to someone doing their best.

"Let me know if you need anything." The most common and the most useless. It sounds generous, and it hands the entire burden of identifying a need, choosing a person and making an ask to the person with the least capacity to do any of it. Nobody ever takes this up.

"You seem fine to me!" Punishes them for holding it together.

"I know exactly how you feel" (then a story about you). The instinct is connection. The effect is that the conversation is now yours.

"Everything will be okay." You don't know that. And the first time something isn't okay, you've established that you say comforting things that aren't true.

What to say instead

The pattern underneath all of these: acknowledge, don't fix, ask nothing.

"I don't have anything useful to say. I just didn't want you to think I'd forgotten."

Close to the ideal message. Honest, makes contact, requires no reply, doesn't pretend to a wisdom you don't have.

"That sounds really hard. I'm sorry."

Enough. Genuinely. Most people are trying to say something cleverer than this and there isn't anything cleverer than this.

"No need to reply. Just thinking of you."

Explicitly removes the obligation. For someone with no energy, an unanswered message is a small ongoing debt — this cancels it.

"I'm dropping food off Thursday at 6. I'll leave it at the door, you don't have to see me."

The replacement for "let me know if you need anything". Specific, already decided, opt-out rather than opt-in.

"Do you want help with this, or do you just want me to know?"

Possibly the most useful question in this entire article. It stops you solving when they wanted company, and it stops you sympathising when they wanted a plan. Ask it out loud.

"I'm still here. No rush."

For week six, when everyone else has stopped.

What to write in a card

Cards are harder because they're permanent and there's no conversation to soften them. Shorter is better.

• "Thinking of you. No reply needed."
• "This doesn't fix anything. I just wanted you to have something from me."
• "I'm sorry. I'm here."
• "You've been on my mind all week."
• "No advice, no silver linings. Just love."

For grief specifically: name the person who died. People are terrified of doing this in case it causes pain. The bereaved almost universally want it — the fear is being the only person still saying the name.

"I've been thinking about Alan. I miss him too."

When they don't reply

They usually won't. Assume it landed.

Not replying is one of the most reliable features of depression, grief and burnout. Composing a response requires exactly the executive function that's currently unavailable. Silence is a symptom, not a verdict on your message.

Three rules:

• Don't follow up asking if they got it. However lightly phrased, it converts a gift into a debt.
• Send again anyway. In two weeks, and again after that.
• Be the week-six person. The support wave arrives immediately and vanishes by week four, exactly when it gets harder. Almost nobody is still there in week eight, and that's the position people remember for the rest of their lives.

If you're worried they're not safe

Different situation, and it deserves directness rather than delicacy.

Ask plainly.

"Are you thinking about hurting yourself?"

Asking does not plant the idea. That's a persistent myth and the evidence points the other way — being asked directly, by someone calm, is frequently a relief.

Then:

• Stay. The asking is only half of it.
• Don't react with panic or anger. Whatever it costs you, be steady. Have your own reaction later, with someone else.
• Don't promise secrecy you can't keep. "I can't promise not to tell anyone, because I'm not willing to lose you. But I'll tell you before I do."
• Help them make one call, or make it with them. In Singapore: SOS on 1767, 24 hours, or WhatsApp 9151 1767. If someone is in immediate danger, 995.
• Follow up tomorrow. And the day after.

The full list of Singapore services is here.

The things that beat words

Worth saying, because people over-index on finding the right sentence:

Turning up. Sitting in the same room watching something undemanding, with no requirement to talk, is worth more than any message.

Doing something without asking. Washing up. Walking the dog. Taking the bins out. Doing rather than offering.

Remembering the date. The anniversary, the appointment, the results day. A message on the day nobody else remembered is disproportionately powerful.

Repeating. Consistency beats eloquence by a wide margin. A boring text every Tuesday for six months is worth more than one perfect paragraph.

The four-line version

Say something short and warm. Don't fix, don't compare, don't ask them to be okay. Replace "let me know if you need anything" with a specific thing you've already decided to do.

Then do it again in three weeks, when everyone else has stopped.

Related: what to give someone who's struggling and how to build a care package that actually helps.